The Rules of Work - avoid officespeak

There is a plague which has been stalking the offices of Britain for several years. Possibly this infection spreads back decades. I call it office-speak. It's also known as management-speak, or, more concisely, as 'bullshit'.

When I first started off in the world of work back in 1995 as a slightly bewildered 21 year-old I remember registering at a temping agency in the City of London. I met the recruitment consultants in there and they gave me a touch typing test and a spelling test. I did ok.

But at the end I remember the lady saying to me "we'll touch base later". I thought - what? What did you just say? You'll touch my what? Not in here you won't, love. It was my first exposure to the total and utter crap that office workers (and in particular managers) like to come out with. What she meant was "we'll talk later". That's it. That's all you needed to say.

Unfortunately office-speak has become so ingrained into British office life that phrases that at first made me recoil now seem boringly routine. Tragically I even find myself talking about 'workstreams', 'proactive leadership' and the like. So this is also a note to self: stop talking bullshit and speak plain English! People will respect you for it.

So here, for your help and amusement, is my bullshit translator. A few are so baffling I've assigned them only a question mark.

Office bullshit -- English

Work package = Work
Touch base = Talk
Raincheck = Meeting
Client-facing = Meet
Synergy = ?
The big picture = That work you have to do
Put on the back burner = Do it later
Ball Park = ?
Cascade = Tell
Scope = Work to do
Interface = Talk
Think outside the box = Think
Ticks in boxes = Do things
Gap analysis = Think
Out of the loop = Tell someone
Fast track = Do
Mindset = ?
Downsize = Sack
Best practice = Work
Go the extra mile = Work
Process improvement = Do some work
Win-win situation = You need to get on with the work
Results driven = ?
Benchmark = Compare
Workstream = Work
Put to bed = Do
Skill set = Skill
Core business = Work
The big picture = Work to do
Going forward = Do
Traction = Doing some work?
Quality-driven = You need to do some work
Ramp up = Do
Blue sky thinking = Think
Time-bound = Hurry up and to do some work

If you have any more, or can help me with the ones I'm struggling with, please write in!

Dr David Starkey on Question Time

I've just watched a rerun of Question Time on the BBC's i-Player. The most entertaining member of the panel was, as I suspected it might be, Dr David Starkey. He was arrogant, prickly, temperamental - and brilliant.

James Bulger's killers and the question of evil

There has been a furore around the two boys who murdered James Bulger over 10 years ago and whether they are innately, or instrinsically evil. There has also related argument about whether they should have been tried in an adult court.

Let me address the second point first. It seems to me that it is not the severity of the crime that should determine where the accused should be tried, but their level of maturity. If you are an adult then the crime should be tried in an adult court, whether the charge is murder of speeding. Conversely, if you are a child you should go to a children’s court, or whatever passes for that these days.

The Rules of Work - set expectations

At work, and in life generally, always cultivate a reputation as a Man of His Word. In other words, when you say you’re going to do something, you do it. Always.

This may present a problem when dealing with work. If someone asks (or tells) you to do some work and you agree to a deadline what happens if you then can’t meet that delivery date?

So always set expectations. The basic principle is to over-deliver. So: if you think you can get that report to someone by Tuesday, tell them you will have it on their desk by Wednesday. If you think a project will take 6 months to deliver, tell the project board it will be done in 7. Then, in both cases, if you complete the work earlier than promised you’ve got some brownie points.

A good tactic is to give out a ‘sweetner’ if you know you can’t meet someone’s initial expectations. For example, if someone wants a summary within 2 days but you know from your priorities and workload that you can only deliver it within 3 days you could

tell them you will get to them within 4 days.
Offer to send them an outline of the summary, perhaps just the salient or crucial points, by the end of the first day. This will get them off your back and inspire confidence in them that you care about their work.


If time is tight it need only be a few lines in an email, sent to the requesting person to summarise the content of your discusson. For example:

Work package:
Objectives: a, b, c
Delivered to: x
Created by : y
Due date: dd/m/yy

Sometimes even something as simple as this shows that you are taking someone seriously and they will cut you a lot more slack. You're not over-committing to anything either.

The Rules of Work - lock your PC

At one place I worked at someone left their PC unlocked when they went for a cup of coffee. It wasn't until some time later that they realised that some 'jokers' had changed the home page of their internet site to a pornographic website.

The lesson is that you should AWLAYS lock your PC when you are away from it. Even if you are only stepping away for 15 seconds to pick up something, make a cup of tea or look at something in the next room. You press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time and then choose 'lock computer' from the various options.

When you return to your desk you press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time again and enter your password to unlock your PC.

It sounds paranoid but it isn't. It's good practice. It's not just that someone coud maliciouly interfere with your PC's settings for a 'joke'. It's because there are nosey people about who like to see what's in your Inbox, and even what kind of documents you have. They don't need to physically do anything with your keyboard, they can just peer at your screen. And given that all of us have private or confidential stuff on our PCs it's better to be safe than sorry.

So lock your PC. I always do.

The declining pound ain't so bad

There has been lots of naysaying, hysteria and near panic over the fall in value of the pound. But I think it's time to chill out.

Firstly, one advantage of staying out of the Euro is that our currency is free to float against other currencies - like the Euro. The Greeks and the Irish can't do that, so they're a little stuck. They can't devalue their currencies.

The Rules of Work - snack on fruit

An article in today's Metro reveals that vitamin tablets are virtually useless after a few days, as their nutritional content is degraded by exposure to humidity and, erm, air.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/815863-stored-vitamins-go-off-in-a-week

Most vitamin tablets are a swizz. They are part of the 'alternative' health industry that preys on the public's scepticism of established science and their desire to believe in a conspiracy of misinformation that can be broken if only we look at alternatives.

The reality is that it's better to eat an orange than take a vitamin C tablet, or a Berocca. It makes commercial sense for berocca manufacturers to tell you that you need vitamins, because you're not getting enough, you see. They cost about £3 a pack. If you ate an orange you would get masses of vitmain C, and save yourself a small fortune. 'Smoothies' are another rip-off, overpriced to the point of daylight robbery. Eat a banana instead.

I notice that the most committed advocates of tablets, pills and 'fruit' drinks are generally lazy people who do no exercise, eat rubbish food and complain a lot, about everything.

So at work snack on fresh fruit - real fruit, that is. It will give you more energy, keep you off the chocolate and give you all the vitamins you need.