There is a plague which has been stalking the offices of Britain for several years. Possibly this infection spreads back decades. I call it office-speak. It's also known as management-speak, or, more concisely, as 'bullshit'.
When I first started off in the world of work back in 1995 as a slightly bewildered 21 year-old I remember registering at a temping agency in the City of London. I met the recruitment consultants in there and they gave me a touch typing test and a spelling test. I did ok.
But at the end I remember the lady saying to me "we'll touch base later". I thought - what? What did you just say? You'll touch my what? Not in here you won't, love. It was my first exposure to the total and utter crap that office workers (and in particular managers) like to come out with. What she meant was "we'll talk later". That's it. That's all you needed to say.
Unfortunately office-speak has become so ingrained into British office life that phrases that at first made me recoil now seem boringly routine. Tragically I even find myself talking about 'workstreams', 'proactive leadership' and the like. So this is also a note to self: stop talking bullshit and speak plain English! People will respect you for it.
So here, for your help and amusement, is my bullshit translator. A few are so baffling I've assigned them only a question mark.
Office bullshit -- English
Work package = Work
Touch base = Talk
Raincheck = Meeting
Client-facing = Meet
Synergy = ?
The big picture = That work you have to do
Put on the back burner = Do it later
Ball Park = ?
Cascade = Tell
Scope = Work to do
Interface = Talk
Think outside the box = Think
Ticks in boxes = Do things
Gap analysis = Think
Out of the loop = Tell someone
Fast track = Do
Mindset = ?
Downsize = Sack
Best practice = Work
Go the extra mile = Work
Process improvement = Do some work
Win-win situation = You need to get on with the work
Results driven = ?
Benchmark = Compare
Workstream = Work
Put to bed = Do
Skill set = Skill
Core business = Work
The big picture = Work to do
Going forward = Do
Traction = Doing some work?
Quality-driven = You need to do some work
Ramp up = Do
Blue sky thinking = Think
Time-bound = Hurry up and to do some work
If you have any more, or can help me with the ones I'm struggling with, please write in!
Showing posts with label Rules of Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rules of Work. Show all posts
Friday, 26 March 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
The Rules of Work - set expectations
At work, and in life generally, always cultivate a reputation as a Man of His Word. In other words, when you say you’re going to do something, you do it. Always.
This may present a problem when dealing with work. If someone asks (or tells) you to do some work and you agree to a deadline what happens if you then can’t meet that delivery date?
So always set expectations. The basic principle is to over-deliver. So: if you think you can get that report to someone by Tuesday, tell them you will have it on their desk by Wednesday. If you think a project will take 6 months to deliver, tell the project board it will be done in 7. Then, in both cases, if you complete the work earlier than promised you’ve got some brownie points.
A good tactic is to give out a ‘sweetner’ if you know you can’t meet someone’s initial expectations. For example, if someone wants a summary within 2 days but you know from your priorities and workload that you can only deliver it within 3 days you could
tell them you will get to them within 4 days.
Offer to send them an outline of the summary, perhaps just the salient or crucial points, by the end of the first day. This will get them off your back and inspire confidence in them that you care about their work.
If time is tight it need only be a few lines in an email, sent to the requesting person to summarise the content of your discusson. For example:
Work package:
Objectives: a, b, c
Delivered to: x
Created by : y
Due date: dd/m/yy
Sometimes even something as simple as this shows that you are taking someone seriously and they will cut you a lot more slack. You're not over-committing to anything either.
This may present a problem when dealing with work. If someone asks (or tells) you to do some work and you agree to a deadline what happens if you then can’t meet that delivery date?
So always set expectations. The basic principle is to over-deliver. So: if you think you can get that report to someone by Tuesday, tell them you will have it on their desk by Wednesday. If you think a project will take 6 months to deliver, tell the project board it will be done in 7. Then, in both cases, if you complete the work earlier than promised you’ve got some brownie points.
A good tactic is to give out a ‘sweetner’ if you know you can’t meet someone’s initial expectations. For example, if someone wants a summary within 2 days but you know from your priorities and workload that you can only deliver it within 3 days you could
tell them you will get to them within 4 days.
Offer to send them an outline of the summary, perhaps just the salient or crucial points, by the end of the first day. This will get them off your back and inspire confidence in them that you care about their work.
If time is tight it need only be a few lines in an email, sent to the requesting person to summarise the content of your discusson. For example:
Work package:
Objectives: a, b, c
Delivered to: x
Created by : y
Due date: dd/m/yy
Sometimes even something as simple as this shows that you are taking someone seriously and they will cut you a lot more slack. You're not over-committing to anything either.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
The Rules of Work - lock your PC
At one place I worked at someone left their PC unlocked when they went for a cup of coffee. It wasn't until some time later that they realised that some 'jokers' had changed the home page of their internet site to a pornographic website.
The lesson is that you should AWLAYS lock your PC when you are away from it. Even if you are only stepping away for 15 seconds to pick up something, make a cup of tea or look at something in the next room. You press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time and then choose 'lock computer' from the various options.
When you return to your desk you press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time again and enter your password to unlock your PC.
It sounds paranoid but it isn't. It's good practice. It's not just that someone coud maliciouly interfere with your PC's settings for a 'joke'. It's because there are nosey people about who like to see what's in your Inbox, and even what kind of documents you have. They don't need to physically do anything with your keyboard, they can just peer at your screen. And given that all of us have private or confidential stuff on our PCs it's better to be safe than sorry.
So lock your PC. I always do.
The lesson is that you should AWLAYS lock your PC when you are away from it. Even if you are only stepping away for 15 seconds to pick up something, make a cup of tea or look at something in the next room. You press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time and then choose 'lock computer' from the various options.
When you return to your desk you press the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons at the same time again and enter your password to unlock your PC.
It sounds paranoid but it isn't. It's good practice. It's not just that someone coud maliciouly interfere with your PC's settings for a 'joke'. It's because there are nosey people about who like to see what's in your Inbox, and even what kind of documents you have. They don't need to physically do anything with your keyboard, they can just peer at your screen. And given that all of us have private or confidential stuff on our PCs it's better to be safe than sorry.
So lock your PC. I always do.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
The Rules of Work - snack on fruit
An article in today's Metro reveals that vitamin tablets are virtually useless after a few days, as their nutritional content is degraded by exposure to humidity and, erm, air.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/815863-stored-vitamins-go-off-in-a-week
Most vitamin tablets are a swizz. They are part of the 'alternative' health industry that preys on the public's scepticism of established science and their desire to believe in a conspiracy of misinformation that can be broken if only we look at alternatives.
The reality is that it's better to eat an orange than take a vitamin C tablet, or a Berocca. It makes commercial sense for berocca manufacturers to tell you that you need vitamins, because you're not getting enough, you see. They cost about £3 a pack. If you ate an orange you would get masses of vitmain C, and save yourself a small fortune. 'Smoothies' are another rip-off, overpriced to the point of daylight robbery. Eat a banana instead.
I notice that the most committed advocates of tablets, pills and 'fruit' drinks are generally lazy people who do no exercise, eat rubbish food and complain a lot, about everything.
So at work snack on fresh fruit - real fruit, that is. It will give you more energy, keep you off the chocolate and give you all the vitamins you need.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/815863-stored-vitamins-go-off-in-a-week
Most vitamin tablets are a swizz. They are part of the 'alternative' health industry that preys on the public's scepticism of established science and their desire to believe in a conspiracy of misinformation that can be broken if only we look at alternatives.
The reality is that it's better to eat an orange than take a vitamin C tablet, or a Berocca. It makes commercial sense for berocca manufacturers to tell you that you need vitamins, because you're not getting enough, you see. They cost about £3 a pack. If you ate an orange you would get masses of vitmain C, and save yourself a small fortune. 'Smoothies' are another rip-off, overpriced to the point of daylight robbery. Eat a banana instead.
I notice that the most committed advocates of tablets, pills and 'fruit' drinks are generally lazy people who do no exercise, eat rubbish food and complain a lot, about everything.
So at work snack on fresh fruit - real fruit, that is. It will give you more energy, keep you off the chocolate and give you all the vitamins you need.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
The Rules of Work - Socrates' Test of Three
As you will probably have noticed from previous ‘Rules of Work’ posts I am not a fan of gossip. Have you noticed how gossip is always about something negative? I mean, how often do you hear people say “Oh my God, have you heard what a successful and happy marriage Brian from accounts has?! Yeah, he’s been totally faithful to his wife!”
Gossip demeans both the target and the perpetrators. If you get a reputation as a gossip you will only draw in people whose energy is as negative as your own, and you will become less trusted by people. For a more elegant dismantling of gossips everywhere, you should remember Socrates’ “Test of Three”.
The philosopher Socrates (469 – 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great man came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him, breathless and excited and said “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” the great man replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called The Test of Three”.
'Test of Three?'
'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'
'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'
'No, to the contrary...'
'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?' The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'
'No, not really.'
'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?'
The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.
Socrates was a man of such principles he was prepared to die for them. You shouldn’t die for your job, but you can at least think about Socrates’ Test of Three before you go spreading gossip about your co-workers.
Gossip demeans both the target and the perpetrators. If you get a reputation as a gossip you will only draw in people whose energy is as negative as your own, and you will become less trusted by people. For a more elegant dismantling of gossips everywhere, you should remember Socrates’ “Test of Three”.
The philosopher Socrates (469 – 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great man came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him, breathless and excited and said “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” the great man replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called The Test of Three”.
'Test of Three?'
'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say.
The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'
'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'
'No, to the contrary...'
'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?' The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'
'No, not really.'
'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?'
The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.
Socrates was a man of such principles he was prepared to die for them. You shouldn’t die for your job, but you can at least think about Socrates’ Test of Three before you go spreading gossip about your co-workers.
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
The Rules of Work - when you make a mistake...
When you make a mistake for God's sake don't try and cover it up. Ever.
I know everyone does it, but you shouldn't. Because:
(a) You will get found out. YOU WILL.
(b) You will find that you need to cover up your cover-up. And then you will need to cover for that cover-up. And again, and so on, until your story begins to fall apart.
(c) Your initial indiscretion will appear insignificant when set against the discovery by your peers or boss that....you tried to cover your tracks. Your original error will be all but forgotten when all people can think about is your apparent dishonesty.
My uncle, Gilbert, owns an accountancy business in Norway, which was bought by Ernst and Young. In his position as auditor it was his job to uncover coverups and errors that had been hidden. He was good at it. I remember him telling me how he would often come across documents that staff had simply hidden - physically hidden - in drawers, or under large piles of paper. If there was any kind of document that reflected badly on them or could have been used to expose a mistake, they just stashed it under a pile. And hoped it would go away.
So what should you do it you make a mistake? Well, try and correct it if you must. But if it's something that cannot be simply corrected then own up straight away. It's a funny thing: people who confess mistakes openly and apologise unconditionally and unequivocally are highly regarded - because they're seen as honest as trustworthy. More often than not, that outweighs their error.
When I worked at a publishing company in London, Taylor and Francis, there was a senior guy, the Group Operations Director, called Jeff. Once I remember he made what could only be described as a cockup. I can't remember exactly what it was, I think it was something to do with an upgrade of IT infrastructure. Anyway the next day an email from him went round to all staff, explaining what had happened, apologising and making clear that he was to blame and no-one else. Even though there were probably many in the IT department who were to blame.
Within a day everyone in the company was saying what a great guy Jeff was for 'fessing up like that, for taking responsibility, for not trying to hide the mistake or palm off the blame onto his underlings. He basically became admired. I remember thinking to myself at the time: Jeff got more kudos for admitting the mistake completely and unequivocally than he would ever have got if the system had actually been implemented smoothly and faultlessly. His admission of guilt seemed to have served him better than blowing his own trumpet at any success ever would have.
Senior managers are often practitioners of the hide-the-error tactic. Particularly when it comes to what is commonly known as 'cooking the books'. Remember Nick Leeson, the British, London-based trader who brought down Barings Bank? When he made a loss on his trades, instead of dealing with it transparently, or asking for help, he decided to hide the losses in a secret account he named '88888'. He believed he would make up the losses, so who needed to know? Sure, his bosses were at fault for not monitoring their traders, but he tried to hide his errors. He never made up the loss and became trapped in an ever-increasing vortex of losses and deception. Remember point (b) above: if you lie once, you will need to lie again to cover it.
Eventually his losses in account 88888 were so enormous that Barings collapsed and Leeson went to jail. He is now on the syllabus of every economics degree course in the world.
So remember Nick Leeson, Jeff and uncle Gilbert. If you make a mistake, just say so. Everyone makes mistakes. Even me.
I know everyone does it, but you shouldn't. Because:
(a) You will get found out. YOU WILL.
(b) You will find that you need to cover up your cover-up. And then you will need to cover for that cover-up. And again, and so on, until your story begins to fall apart.
(c) Your initial indiscretion will appear insignificant when set against the discovery by your peers or boss that....you tried to cover your tracks. Your original error will be all but forgotten when all people can think about is your apparent dishonesty.
My uncle, Gilbert, owns an accountancy business in Norway, which was bought by Ernst and Young. In his position as auditor it was his job to uncover coverups and errors that had been hidden. He was good at it. I remember him telling me how he would often come across documents that staff had simply hidden - physically hidden - in drawers, or under large piles of paper. If there was any kind of document that reflected badly on them or could have been used to expose a mistake, they just stashed it under a pile. And hoped it would go away.
So what should you do it you make a mistake? Well, try and correct it if you must. But if it's something that cannot be simply corrected then own up straight away. It's a funny thing: people who confess mistakes openly and apologise unconditionally and unequivocally are highly regarded - because they're seen as honest as trustworthy. More often than not, that outweighs their error.
When I worked at a publishing company in London, Taylor and Francis, there was a senior guy, the Group Operations Director, called Jeff. Once I remember he made what could only be described as a cockup. I can't remember exactly what it was, I think it was something to do with an upgrade of IT infrastructure. Anyway the next day an email from him went round to all staff, explaining what had happened, apologising and making clear that he was to blame and no-one else. Even though there were probably many in the IT department who were to blame.
Within a day everyone in the company was saying what a great guy Jeff was for 'fessing up like that, for taking responsibility, for not trying to hide the mistake or palm off the blame onto his underlings. He basically became admired. I remember thinking to myself at the time: Jeff got more kudos for admitting the mistake completely and unequivocally than he would ever have got if the system had actually been implemented smoothly and faultlessly. His admission of guilt seemed to have served him better than blowing his own trumpet at any success ever would have.
Senior managers are often practitioners of the hide-the-error tactic. Particularly when it comes to what is commonly known as 'cooking the books'. Remember Nick Leeson, the British, London-based trader who brought down Barings Bank? When he made a loss on his trades, instead of dealing with it transparently, or asking for help, he decided to hide the losses in a secret account he named '88888'. He believed he would make up the losses, so who needed to know? Sure, his bosses were at fault for not monitoring their traders, but he tried to hide his errors. He never made up the loss and became trapped in an ever-increasing vortex of losses and deception. Remember point (b) above: if you lie once, you will need to lie again to cover it.
Eventually his losses in account 88888 were so enormous that Barings collapsed and Leeson went to jail. He is now on the syllabus of every economics degree course in the world.
So remember Nick Leeson, Jeff and uncle Gilbert. If you make a mistake, just say so. Everyone makes mistakes. Even me.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
The Rules of Work - get to your desk early
This is a crucial rule: get to work early. No matter what it takes, be early.
Why? Well it will be a less stressful start to your day for starters. There's nothing worse than realising you're running late, then trying to skid your way through traffic, or push past people on the train. I guarantee that once you're running late, everything will seem to go against you: the trains will go extra slowly, people will seem to deliberately get in your way, roadworks will appear miraculously in front of you. Isn't it great?
If you get to your desk at 8.45 when your day starts at 9.00 then you have a lesiurely 15 minutes to take off your coat, make a cup of coffee, log onto your PC. There's no rush. If you happen to have a heavy workload ahead of you then your morale will improve because you've started on a positive note.
You will get a reputation as someone who is hard-working and conscientious too, which won't do your career any harm. Hey, I'm sure you're a grafter anyway, but this extra brownie point won't hurt, will it? And, heaven forbid, if you like to chit-chat and gossip all day, then being the first (or one of the first) to the office each day gives you a little more leeway. If the worst comes to the worst and you find yourself in hot water with the powers that be at work, your hard-working reputation will stack some cards in your favour. It's an awful lot of pluses for doing very little really. Just get in early. It's not so hard!
But even if you don't want to sip coffee in the morning an early start will give you a chance to think and mentally prepare for the day. Your important meeting, your work relationships, any difficult or challenging task that requires you to focus but also relax.
The important thing is that getting in 10 minutes or so before your working day begins should be a habit. If it's a habit, it will become easy. A post coming soon will talk about how to achieve this.
Good luck. And don't be late!
Why? Well it will be a less stressful start to your day for starters. There's nothing worse than realising you're running late, then trying to skid your way through traffic, or push past people on the train. I guarantee that once you're running late, everything will seem to go against you: the trains will go extra slowly, people will seem to deliberately get in your way, roadworks will appear miraculously in front of you. Isn't it great?
If you get to your desk at 8.45 when your day starts at 9.00 then you have a lesiurely 15 minutes to take off your coat, make a cup of coffee, log onto your PC. There's no rush. If you happen to have a heavy workload ahead of you then your morale will improve because you've started on a positive note.
You will get a reputation as someone who is hard-working and conscientious too, which won't do your career any harm. Hey, I'm sure you're a grafter anyway, but this extra brownie point won't hurt, will it? And, heaven forbid, if you like to chit-chat and gossip all day, then being the first (or one of the first) to the office each day gives you a little more leeway. If the worst comes to the worst and you find yourself in hot water with the powers that be at work, your hard-working reputation will stack some cards in your favour. It's an awful lot of pluses for doing very little really. Just get in early. It's not so hard!
But even if you don't want to sip coffee in the morning an early start will give you a chance to think and mentally prepare for the day. Your important meeting, your work relationships, any difficult or challenging task that requires you to focus but also relax.
The important thing is that getting in 10 minutes or so before your working day begins should be a habit. If it's a habit, it will become easy. A post coming soon will talk about how to achieve this.
Good luck. And don't be late!
The Rules of Work - keep your counsel
When at work, it's often wise to keep you counsel. Or to put it another way, keep your mouth shut.
I don't mean not speaking up when the situation demands it; keeping quiet when you're meant to be presenting to the Board is not the best idea.
What I mean is that making unguarded personal criticism of others, or 'letting off steam', can often backfire. If you think someone is rude, incompetent, lazy or awful in some other way: keep it to yourself. Be very careful what you say, and to whom. You might feel you are in trusted company - with a colleague you have known for years, and who has shared their negative impressions of people with you too. You might think your comments will go no further. But there's a problem.
First, your colleague will tell someone. When they in turn tell someone else, your name will come up. Maybe not maliciously, but suddenly you're linked to potentially harmfull rumours, or worse: it could be defamatory, offensive or even illegal. Ever heard of Chinese whispers?
There are a number of ways to deal with invitations to join in with general badmouthing, even if you think it is justified.
1. Use reported quotes. "Well, some people might think...." It sounds too obvious, but it works.
2. Be non-commital. "Hmmm". "Really?". "I see". "Ok, I didn't know that". You acknowledge what's being said but resolutely refuse to join in. This is the best strategy.
Gossip diminishes the perpetrators as well as the target. Think about it: if you have a reputation as a gossip, will anyone want to trust you? Of course not.
Nor do I mean refusing to converse with your colleagues - until recently I line-managed an Australian girl, Emma, who was so quiet it verged on the rude. When asked how her weekend was she would give a straight answer - but not reciprocate the question. When she left the team organised a leaving lunch for her; but even at her leaving 'do' she refused to engage verbally with any of the team! Everyone was left thinking she was just weird. I think, perhaps without realising it, she was just rude.
I don't mean not speaking up when the situation demands it; keeping quiet when you're meant to be presenting to the Board is not the best idea.
What I mean is that making unguarded personal criticism of others, or 'letting off steam', can often backfire. If you think someone is rude, incompetent, lazy or awful in some other way: keep it to yourself. Be very careful what you say, and to whom. You might feel you are in trusted company - with a colleague you have known for years, and who has shared their negative impressions of people with you too. You might think your comments will go no further. But there's a problem.
First, your colleague will tell someone. When they in turn tell someone else, your name will come up. Maybe not maliciously, but suddenly you're linked to potentially harmfull rumours, or worse: it could be defamatory, offensive or even illegal. Ever heard of Chinese whispers?
There are a number of ways to deal with invitations to join in with general badmouthing, even if you think it is justified.
1. Use reported quotes. "Well, some people might think...." It sounds too obvious, but it works.
2. Be non-commital. "Hmmm". "Really?". "I see". "Ok, I didn't know that". You acknowledge what's being said but resolutely refuse to join in. This is the best strategy.
Gossip diminishes the perpetrators as well as the target. Think about it: if you have a reputation as a gossip, will anyone want to trust you? Of course not.
Nor do I mean refusing to converse with your colleagues - until recently I line-managed an Australian girl, Emma, who was so quiet it verged on the rude. When asked how her weekend was she would give a straight answer - but not reciprocate the question. When she left the team organised a leaving lunch for her; but even at her leaving 'do' she refused to engage verbally with any of the team! Everyone was left thinking she was just weird. I think, perhaps without realising it, she was just rude.
Friday, 27 November 2009
The Rules of Work - comebacks to workplace bullies
Most people you meet at work are nice. But a minority aren't. They're bullies. They can fall into many categories, depending on the nature of their bullying.
I’m not talking about good-natured teasing from your colleagues. Nor about people who are simply rude.
The thing I’m talking about is those times when you might find yourself on the receiving end of childish, idiotic comments, or ridicule or mockery, not designed to be good humoured, but to belittle you. For example:
"You didn't do that very well, did you?"
"Do you always make such a mess?"
"Did you go to school?"
"Did you get changed in the dark this morning?"
Why do some people say these things? It stems from low self-esteem, which people compensate for by trying to lower the status of others or projecting an image as a dominant character who can shove others around. Anyway, here’s what you should do.
1. Don’t be submissive. Submission signifies weakness, and only those perceived as weak are ‘picked on’. True on David Attenborough’s nature programmes, true in the office. So don’t look down, instead keep steady eye contact. Don’t flinch, and it’s better if you don’t blink either. No nervous laughter. If you’re standing, stand up tall, straight, face-on. If you are close to the guy, suddenly come closer. It will unnerve them.
2. Don’t overreact, show anger or emotion. Bullies want a reaction, they are stumped when they don’t get one. Don’t be rude – no swearing etc. Be icy calm.
3. Some people advocate dignified silence. This may work in some contexts but I don’t generally agree. You can’t be a punchbag. Show you’re not to be messed with and that you don’t take crap lying down. The best reaction is to act unemotional and unimpressed. But say something back.
I think that a silent response can communicate disdain, but may also make you look like a ‘soft touch’. You should communicate disdain, mixed with pity, and laced with a dose of sarcasm.
Some comebacks:
You still here?
That’s…almost funny.
Nice try.
Don’t give up the day job.
Here we go….mastermind.
You used to be funny.
You should be a comedian. Just not yet.
Do you want a round of applause?
4. Just say one of these. Remember it’s how you say it that counts. Calm, slow, unwavering and authoritative. Don’t rush or let your voice become too high-pitched or breathless, as this communicates weakness. Have a slightly dismissive tone of voice, slightly sarcastic.
5. If you can’t think of anything to say, or the situation doesn’t really warrant a sharp verbal risposte, then you can remain silent – but it is your body language that will be your response. Be silent and just stare back with confidence. This is the position that says, "that comeback doesn't even deserve an acknowledgment."
Monday, 23 November 2009
The Rules of Work - avoiding embassassing faux pas
You know the scene. Man meets female colleague by the water cooler. Man notices larger-than-usual tummy on colleague. Man congratulations colleague on impending birth of her child and asks when the baby is due and what food cravings is she having. Compounding his blunders he asks if she’s thought of a name for her child and is having a home birth, perhaps?
Colleague tells man she is actually not pregnant. It turns out she has just been overdoing it on the chocolate digestives and is wearing a slightly more figure-hugging dress than usual. Man is now stuck in a pit of horrendous embarrassment, from which there is no easy escape-route. As an added bonus, on some occasions the man will desperately try and extricate himself from the cavernous hole into which he has dug himself by telling his colleague she looks 'healthy'. Which can only be interpreted as telling her she looks fat, Nice.
Making assumptions about your colleagues, even if done innocently and with the best of intentions, can often lead to embarrassing situations. Offering congratulations on phantom pregnancies are one such pitfall. Others include misjudging someone’s age, qualifications, marital status, or family arrangements.
In the communal kitchen at work I witnessed a collague of mine, a lady of about 50, being asked buntly if she was pregnant. Incredible but true. She said ‘no’ and the lady who asked her had to apologise profusely. Luckily no offence was taken! I have to admit I walked off because otherwise I would have burst out laughing.
A good way to avoid this, if for instance you think someone is pregnant, or has bought a new house, or has just been to their daughter’s graduation, is the gambit: “So what’s new with you then?”
It opens up the conversation without creating too much expectation or piling on too much pressure. If they are pregnant they may tell you. If they’re not they obviously won’t. Or if they are pregnant but don’t actually want to tell you, you have respected that right. Similarly their daughter, whom you knew 6 months ago was at university, may have dropped out of her course. Asking "what’s new?" gives your colleague the right to tell you or keep quiet about this, without being asked about a graduation that never happened.
If you want to find out something about someone’s life after work, judge first of all how well you know the person. What kind of relationship do you have with them? If you only know them in a professional capacity, try the “what’s new with you” or “how was your weekend?” opener. Wait and see how much they open up.
Warning: if they often talk about their family it doesn’t mean you can steam straight in there and ask whether their child is eating solids yet. A safer option is “how are the family?” If you know they are in a relationship and you’re dying to know whether they’re engaged yet, first consider whether they have spoken to you about it. If they have you can say “how’s it going with Jennifer?” or whatever his/her name is. But consider this: if they haven’t actually told you about their relationship, but you’ve heard it on the office grapevine, or from other colleagues, should you be asking at all?
Underlying all this is the pernicious effects of gossip and noseyness, which we all succumb to now and again but which we should all strive to avoid. Why? Because of the negative energy it generates. Gossiping reduces the value of people, both the target and the perpetrators. It reduces our value as human beings and leaves us as objects tossed around at the whim of others. Remember the law of karma: what goes around, comes around.
Colleague tells man she is actually not pregnant. It turns out she has just been overdoing it on the chocolate digestives and is wearing a slightly more figure-hugging dress than usual. Man is now stuck in a pit of horrendous embarrassment, from which there is no easy escape-route. As an added bonus, on some occasions the man will desperately try and extricate himself from the cavernous hole into which he has dug himself by telling his colleague she looks 'healthy'. Which can only be interpreted as telling her she looks fat, Nice.
Making assumptions about your colleagues, even if done innocently and with the best of intentions, can often lead to embarrassing situations. Offering congratulations on phantom pregnancies are one such pitfall. Others include misjudging someone’s age, qualifications, marital status, or family arrangements.
In the communal kitchen at work I witnessed a collague of mine, a lady of about 50, being asked buntly if she was pregnant. Incredible but true. She said ‘no’ and the lady who asked her had to apologise profusely. Luckily no offence was taken! I have to admit I walked off because otherwise I would have burst out laughing.
A good way to avoid this, if for instance you think someone is pregnant, or has bought a new house, or has just been to their daughter’s graduation, is the gambit: “So what’s new with you then?”
It opens up the conversation without creating too much expectation or piling on too much pressure. If they are pregnant they may tell you. If they’re not they obviously won’t. Or if they are pregnant but don’t actually want to tell you, you have respected that right. Similarly their daughter, whom you knew 6 months ago was at university, may have dropped out of her course. Asking "what’s new?" gives your colleague the right to tell you or keep quiet about this, without being asked about a graduation that never happened.
If you want to find out something about someone’s life after work, judge first of all how well you know the person. What kind of relationship do you have with them? If you only know them in a professional capacity, try the “what’s new with you” or “how was your weekend?” opener. Wait and see how much they open up.
Warning: if they often talk about their family it doesn’t mean you can steam straight in there and ask whether their child is eating solids yet. A safer option is “how are the family?” If you know they are in a relationship and you’re dying to know whether they’re engaged yet, first consider whether they have spoken to you about it. If they have you can say “how’s it going with Jennifer?” or whatever his/her name is. But consider this: if they haven’t actually told you about their relationship, but you’ve heard it on the office grapevine, or from other colleagues, should you be asking at all?
Underlying all this is the pernicious effects of gossip and noseyness, which we all succumb to now and again but which we should all strive to avoid. Why? Because of the negative energy it generates. Gossiping reduces the value of people, both the target and the perpetrators. It reduces our value as human beings and leaves us as objects tossed around at the whim of others. Remember the law of karma: what goes around, comes around.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
The Rules of Work - how to stop procrastinating
Procrastination. It's the bane of many people's working lives. Some people procrastinate because they don't know where to start on a task, some because they lack the confidence to do it, some because they are perfectionists and some because they just can't face it. I thought I'd share some of the things I've found helpful in overcoming procrastination.
Make an immediate start – even a ‘microstart’ - to every job you are given. Especially the rotten ones. Don't wait - do it straight away. Before you have time to over-think what you're doing or to rationalise yourself out of it.
It actually doesn't really matter what this 'start' to the work is; it could be a sketch, a memo, a few bullet points, a garbled document that you keep for yourself. You can delete it later - it doesn't matter, just do something right away.
Making a tiny start to something immediately will have a good psychological effect on you – boosting your confidence and self-esteem, informing your subconscious that you can actually do this damn piece of work, that it’s not impossible and it is do-able.
On the other hand if you don’t touch your unpleasant piece of work for ages it will become more repellent and unconquerable in your mind, creating a vicious circle of procrastination.
Try that for starters!
Make an immediate start – even a ‘microstart’ - to every job you are given. Especially the rotten ones. Don't wait - do it straight away. Before you have time to over-think what you're doing or to rationalise yourself out of it.
It actually doesn't really matter what this 'start' to the work is; it could be a sketch, a memo, a few bullet points, a garbled document that you keep for yourself. You can delete it later - it doesn't matter, just do something right away.
Making a tiny start to something immediately will have a good psychological effect on you – boosting your confidence and self-esteem, informing your subconscious that you can actually do this damn piece of work, that it’s not impossible and it is do-able.
On the other hand if you don’t touch your unpleasant piece of work for ages it will become more repellent and unconquerable in your mind, creating a vicious circle of procrastination.
Try that for starters!
Friday, 7 August 2009
The Rules of Work
I'm starting a new section called "The Rules of Work". My ideas and advice on how to flourish in an office environment, accumulated over the last decade and a half (almost) of working in offices in the UK - in banking, insurance, the Metropolitan Police, local councils, charities and IT departments. I've been around a bit ;)
Here are some rules to get you started:
Look Busy. When you walk somewhere in the office – to another part of the building, to the photocopier, to have a chat with your friend about anything – always carry file conspicuously held in your hand or tucked under your arm. If not a file then a notepad or a bunch of papers. Take something with you on every trip you make. It makes you look professional, like you have a purpose and are a dedicated guy who is focussed on their work and not an idler who is loafing around. Of course, you are focussed on your work. I know that, and you know that. But even if you’re going for a chat about what your friend did over the weekend, always carry your file with you; you always want to look busy.
If you make a mistake, for goodness’ sake don’t try and cover it up. Ever.
If it’s your fault apologise. Don’t try and qualify your apology, deflect blame or justify yourself. If you do it will be easy to spot and your apology will be ignored; in fact people will regard you worse than they did if you hadn’t apologised at all.
· When you write an email, put together the text first; add in the name of the addressee afterwards.
· Never write anything personal about anyone in an email. Ever. No matter how much of a git they are. Anything you type on a keyboard remains in cyberspace FOREVER and can come back and haunt you. IT departments are rubbish at most things but strangely are very good at keeping things that can damn you.
· Never badmouth anyone, even in private. You think it’s safe by the water cooler, but it’s not. For a start you can (and probably will) be overheard; but even if you’re not, your co-conspirator only needs to tell one person they think they can trust and the dominoes will start falling – a chain reaction which will lead inexorably to someone who will hear that you have been badmouthing their best buddy. Oops. If you really have to, criticise their work, never them personally. That way you have something to back yourself up with.
· Try and keep your private life out of your work life. Especially relationships.
Here are some rules to get you started:
Look Busy. When you walk somewhere in the office – to another part of the building, to the photocopier, to have a chat with your friend about anything – always carry file conspicuously held in your hand or tucked under your arm. If not a file then a notepad or a bunch of papers. Take something with you on every trip you make. It makes you look professional, like you have a purpose and are a dedicated guy who is focussed on their work and not an idler who is loafing around. Of course, you are focussed on your work. I know that, and you know that. But even if you’re going for a chat about what your friend did over the weekend, always carry your file with you; you always want to look busy.
If you make a mistake, for goodness’ sake don’t try and cover it up. Ever.
If it’s your fault apologise. Don’t try and qualify your apology, deflect blame or justify yourself. If you do it will be easy to spot and your apology will be ignored; in fact people will regard you worse than they did if you hadn’t apologised at all.
· When you write an email, put together the text first; add in the name of the addressee afterwards.
· Never write anything personal about anyone in an email. Ever. No matter how much of a git they are. Anything you type on a keyboard remains in cyberspace FOREVER and can come back and haunt you. IT departments are rubbish at most things but strangely are very good at keeping things that can damn you.
· Never badmouth anyone, even in private. You think it’s safe by the water cooler, but it’s not. For a start you can (and probably will) be overheard; but even if you’re not, your co-conspirator only needs to tell one person they think they can trust and the dominoes will start falling – a chain reaction which will lead inexorably to someone who will hear that you have been badmouthing their best buddy. Oops. If you really have to, criticise their work, never them personally. That way you have something to back yourself up with.
· Try and keep your private life out of your work life. Especially relationships.
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