The Rules of Work - comebacks to workplace bullies

Most people you meet at work are nice. But a minority aren't. They're bullies. They can fall into many categories, depending on the nature of their bullying.


I’m not talking about good-natured teasing from your colleagues. Nor about people who are simply rude.


The thing I’m talking about is those times when you might find yourself on the receiving end of childish, idiotic comments, or ridicule or mockery, not designed to be good humoured, but to belittle you. For example:

"You didn't do that very well, did you?"
"Do you always make such a mess?"
"Did you go to school?"
"Did you get changed in the dark this morning?"

Why do some people say these things? It stems from low self-esteem, which people compensate for by trying to lower the status of others or projecting an image as a dominant character who can shove others around. Anyway, here’s what you should do.


1. Don’t be submissive. Submission signifies weakness, and only those perceived as weak are ‘picked on’. True on David Attenborough’s nature programmes, true in the office. So don’t look down, instead keep steady eye contact. Don’t flinch, and it’s better if you don’t blink either. No nervous laughter. If you’re standing, stand up tall, straight, face-on. If you are close to the guy, suddenly come closer. It will unnerve them.

2. Don’t overreact, show anger or emotion. Bullies want a reaction, they are stumped when they don’t get one. Don’t be rude – no swearing etc. Be icy calm.

3. Some people advocate dignified silence. This may work in some contexts but I don’t generally agree. You can’t be a punchbag. Show you’re not to be messed with and that you don’t take crap lying down. The best reaction is to act unemotional and unimpressed. But say something back.

I think that a silent response can communicate disdain, but may also make you look like a ‘soft touch’. You should communicate disdain, mixed with pity, and laced with a dose of sarcasm.

Some comebacks:

You still here?
That’s…almost funny.
Nice try.
Don’t give up the day job.
Here we go….mastermind.
You used to be funny.
You should be a comedian. Just not yet.
Do you want a round of applause?

4. Just say one of these. Remember it’s how you say it that counts. Calm, slow, unwavering and authoritative. Don’t rush or let your voice become too high-pitched or breathless, as this communicates weakness. Have a slightly dismissive tone of voice, slightly sarcastic.

5. If you can’t think of anything to say, or the situation doesn’t really warrant a sharp verbal risposte, then you can remain silent – but it is your body language that will be your response. Be silent and just stare back with confidence. This is the position that says, "that comeback doesn't even deserve an acknowledgment."